Imagine this scenario for a moment…
You are walking quietly down Kanyamgwala Street to pick a bus to Kathonzweni, then from the blues this son of soil shows up and yells at you that you should lose some weight, or you should be a better mother, you should be this, you should be that. Right there, you feel judged, you feel criticised, and you may feel shamed, or even offended to say the least…
Imagine no more…
We, on our own, walking in the sometimes not so silent streets of our minds, hurl at ourselves a tyranny of ‘shoulds’ that if not checked, soon precipitate into depression and anxiety. As the gap between where we are and where we tell ourselves we ‘should’ be widen, so do our anxieties flare. Yet, such judgements and unconscious self-shaming are informed by mental streets lit by the dull lights of past conditioning and guilt, and the red lights of the uncertainties of the future, complete with the background jazz of comparing self with our peers.
Practise self-compassion…
I agree, we all have struggles, hopes, goals, growth plans, role models we want to be like, goals, but, meet your internal struggles with kindness rather than criticism. That is self-compassion. We all used to have plans, but life had other ideas. Steven Bartlett once wrote, “When was the last time you paused for a second and gave yourself the credit you deserve for how far you have come, how much you have grown, the person you have become, the transformation you have experienced, and the tough lessons you have learnt? Honestly, you should be so proud of you” Yes, there are people who, if they were in your exact shoes, they would dance all night and day! So, quit ‘SHOULDING’ yourself.
From SHOULD to COULD…
At the risk of being accused of only being semantically correct, (and not making sense at all) I suggest a shift from SHOULD to COULD. So let me try make sense. SHOULD is used to say that something is the proper or best thing to do, or to say that someone ought to do something or must do something. COULD, is used to say that an action or event is possible. The one points at opportunities that are or could be lost. The other points at possibilities that do not necessarily need to be pursued. You see, there is a great difference at the cognitive processing level of those two words, and yes, the emotional load might be lessened when you ‘COULD’ yourself, instead of ‘SHOULDING’ yourself
Well, maybe you COULD read this article again